The return of the Dark Lord
by Fire and Ice2
Summary: It's an SG-1 and LOTR's cross over. It all begins when the dark lord returns, but this time he's not only met with a sword- but sarcasm. But can Sg-1 take Sauron on?- new chapter three
1. Default Chapter

Jack rolled over and groaned.  
  
There were two things on the Colonels mind; one was why on this earth did he feel the urge to drink so much at the Halloween party last night and two. were where his pants?  
  
He kept his eyes shut; he had no idea where he'd fallen a sleep. Then a sudden thought hit Mr O'Neill as his arm jarred into something- who had he fallen a sleep with.  
  
His eyes sprang open to reveal the ceiling, he was in the generals' office no less, but he was underground so whether it was daylight or not was anyone's guess.  
  
Jack slowly came to the conclusion that he was sleeping on the floor, since he could see the proud pine desk, and was staring up at the valiant US of A flag.  
  
There was a murmuring sound as he saw the body that was next to him materialise. His heart almost stopped as his body gripped it's self with shock.  
  
"O'Neill, I believe we are in the generals office. Why?"  
  
Jack didn't move a muscle; he whispered to the jaffa quietly and tired not to make his mouth movements obvious. The place was riddled with video camera and he bet Sam and Daniel would have fun discussing this little mishap.  
  
"Teal'c?" he called out of the side of his mouth, with his right hand still sweeping over the floor- Mother of Mercy, where was his pants?  
  
Teal'c replied, "I am here"  
  
"Why am I half naked?"  
  
"I do not know" the jaffa answered honestly. Jack allowed a sly look to the left. Teal'c was quiet the morning picture. He still had his matted blond wig on, the bright pink blamonge shaped dress on with artificial butterflies of green and blue stuck to it. Not far away was a child crafted magic wand, and a pair of glass slippers also appeared on the scene. One more obviously than the other as that one was in Jacks crotch.  
  
Teal'c (as if it wasn't more obvious than a flashing sign on the road to hell) went as Cinderella. Jack remembered how surprised he was with the nimble and agile dancing demonstrated by the jaffa last night.  
  
But that was unimportant. The light in the room were all off except the Generals lamp- did he have to put this in a report. Oh he didn't care- Urika! His hands felt a line pair of tights. He picked the garment off the floor- they were bottle green and seriously crotch grabbing.  
  
Jack looks shamefully down for a second at his Spiderman boxer shorts- yes he lost a bet on poker night. He actually lost several bets, which is also why he had to dress as Robin Hood.  
  
He squirmed his way into the tights, no longer caring who was watching. Teal'c looked on intently, before he rose up into the cold dark room.  
  
Jack followed; he faced his pal and an empty wall. Teal'c looked at him horror struck. "What? Come on I don't look that." he turned o face the Jaffas view, Carter clicked on the Polaroid just as he turned. The flash half blinded O'Neil.  
  
Sam looked like the Cheshire cat who got the cream when the camera spewed out the photograph. She raised her hand; as she did her sleeveless dress go a little lower. Sam had gone as Tinkerbell, her outfit was accurate and tight. just like his tights. Also like his tights, the outfit really left nothing to the imagination.  
  
"Lets see what the trainees make of this one, Sir"  
  
"Carter!" his face screwed in the usual protest.  
  
Daniel smirked.  
  
"Oh come on Daniel, you look like the brave little toaster"  
  
"I'm a robot- a ROBOT!" Daniel sniffed before running back to the changing rooms in a huff. Carter and Jack shrugged.  
  
"General Hammond wants you in the briefing room, ASAP"  
  
"What like this?!" he exclaimed  
  
Carter was already pulling away- not like she'd given him much of a choice.  
  
"He's found something interesting, we have to go now to px3 798, now!" she called from over her shoulder.  
  
Even though Carter and Daniel had left, a small gathering of officers was still staring in aw at the fairy tale princess and the manly man in tights. Hesitantly Jack began to edge his hands over his crotch, seemed as though that was all the officers were staring at.  
  
Him and Teal'c stepped out trying to keep their dignity. Teal'c had no such luck considering his flowery "elegant" dress was tucked into his clear tights. But most of the on lookers turned to look at the walls of the hallways when noticing the jaffa hadn't got any underwear on!  
  
Jack strolled along avoiding glances and thinking- what could be so urgent that he'd have to stay dressed as Robin Hood for it? 


	2. Strong tides

Thanks if you've persevered this long! I swear this is the last non- excitement chapter!  
  
******* Jack smoothly entered the briefing room; he could see Sam with one hand on her face trying to cover up her blushing spell, and the other hand trying to pull down her skirt. Jack gave her a teasing look, her eyes dropped to his legs. Jack winced and hurried to his chair.  
  
Daniel entered in shortly after, still in the robot. or brave little toaster costume. He sat as far away from Jack as possible.  
  
"Right then, Colonel", sounded the General. Jack bit his lip; he looked around the room for a distraction. How could he take the scarecrow from the wizard of Oz seriously, let alone as a figure of authority? Hammond noticed O'Neill's face expand with a boyish grin; even Sam was having trouble looking in the general's direction.  
  
"Colonel, if I may start!" Sam turned her face into a scowl and looked disapprovingly at the Colonel to try and shift the attention from the length of her tight green dress.  
  
"Now I have called you here urgently." began the large old scarecrow.  
  
"Because the GDO we sent out to PX4 579 has showed. well I won't explain it." the lights flickered off and all attention was directed to the screen at the head of the room.  
  
"I'll show you," the general whispered, pointing a silvery remote to the screen. Instantly, a set of pictures, accompanied by a film in the right hand corner, and a net in the left set the company in aw. Daniel lifted up his glasses, unable to believe what he was looking at. His tin amour rattled as he did so. All focus seemed to drop from the room to this picture. The GDO was showing pictures of a chamber inside a gigantic tower. The tower was spiral bound and was made purely of hazel brown stone. But that wasn't the aspect that sucked the drama out of the room and the breath from Daniels lungs- it was the carvings on the wall. They were beautiful and elegant like the writings of no other race in existence. The words twisted together like thin vines. The tower was no wider than the briefing room and the flight of stairs lining the room upwards. oh my god.thought Daniel. "On for crying out loud!" screeched the colonel turning away "Won't * someone * flick off the Disney channel?" He faced the dull walls at the foot of the room, his back to the images. "It-it- it's- it. it's real, Jack" stuttered Daniel to the grump Colonels back. "What you seeing is the image from about half way up the tower. Which as you all can see is roughly 100 meters or so" enlightened the general "There's a large pine. well pine looking door at the top, with a star carved into it and similar writings" "Sir" Jack snapped irritably as he turned back "You can't seriously believe that stone steps can hover in mid air- no can you?" "The GDO is resting on one now Jack" Jack inspected the tower closer. It couldn't, it's impossible. At that thought the writings began to shimmer silver and a voice soothed his ears. He had no idea what the voice had said but it sounded like poetry. His eyes fell to the table, the voice kept whispering something. he couldn't hear what it was. he could get it out of his head.  
  
Sam glanced across the table armed with a smirk wondering why Jack had given his mouth a rest. She looked slyly and saw his head almost slamming into the table. He looked like he'd just sucked on a lemon. she turned back. It was about time he experienced a hangover. She could hear a groan coming from him. She grinned extensively. until he moaned with even more pain. more pain than before. "Err. Sammmmmm." mumbled Daniel nervously putting his arm on her fire side and nudging her. It was Teal'c who eventually shuffled over to him (still unfamiliar with the concept "morning after the night before") and rested a confide hand on his should, "O'Neill?" Jack eyes sprang open and his body loosened. He gazed into Teal'cs' dark eyes. He was panting and lost for breath. His eyes darted the room, looking for the cause of his sudden loss of mental capacity. Teal'c glanced at his shivering friend, "Are you feeling ok, O'Neill?"  
  
Jacks heart sprang into his throat, he was so strung a pin drop would have had the same effect.  
  
"Yeah" he said. The writings on the picture were fading. He looked upon them with a great need in his chocolate eyes.  
  
"General?" he swirled to face the large man and coughed for attention  
  
"Are you ok, Colonel O'Neill?" he narrowed his eyes whilst he spoke- as if he was demanding the whole truth  
  
"Yes, sir" lied Jack anyway  
  
"Well since that settled. You will head out in one hour to study the planet and it's. culture"  
  
"GENERAL!" protested O'Neill, sending his chair noisily back as he got up  
  
"Yes, Colonel" he replied firmly, not as a friend but as a higher ranking officer  
  
"We can't go there"  
  
Jack was now testing his patience and all view was resting on the slim man in tights  
  
"Why not, can I ask?"  
  
"Err,." he mumbled, before striking and idea.  
  
His eyes lit up, "It's too damn late and it's probably an optical illusion"  
  
"But Jack!" sounded Daniel from below him. Jack looked at the begging in Daniels eyes. He was looking up at the Colonel like a small child who was on the brink of having his dream banished. But it wasn't up to Jack.  
  
The General crossed the floor to face O'Neill, his shoes clumped heavier with every step.  
  
"Your going O'Neill, do I make myself clear?"  
  
Jack opened his trap for another round of slanging  
  
"Or I'll hold you in contempt for disobeying a * direct * ORDER!" fumed the General. Jack felt extremely down sized. He grabbed his cold tumbled chair and sat down diminished. He couldn't bear to view the looks on everyone else's faces.  
  
The general attempted to calm the note in his voice,  
  
"My orders are to have you explore every beneficial planet. If these people can levitate objects and write in a style earlier than that used by the nox." Jack would have grunted, but he wanted his head to remain on his shoulders.  
  
". Maybe this race will have technology to fight off the Goa'uld" Dr Jackson's heart sang silently. Jack thought smoke was going to pour out form his ears. The usual words, Oh for crying out loud, were swimming about in his head.  
  
The general stood still, anticipating further protest.  
  
But there was none to be had. When he saw that everyone understood him, he dismissed everyone.  
  
As Jack reached to doorframe, the general stopped him.  
  
"As punishment for falling a sleep in my office, and attempting to defy me, your punishment. for our amusement." The old general felt a smile play on his lips. Jack shuddered to think about the next line.  
  
"You must wear that. dreadful Robin Hood outfit for your embarkation. You may pack your uniform, but you may only don it when you are off world. Ok"  
  
Jack nodded, silently ashamed and feeling like he shouldn't have entered that damn card game and lost the bet in the first place.  
  
From outside, Carter was giggling like a schoolgirl.  
  
************ Any reviews would be nice, so I know I'm not talking to myself!  
  
Bad reviews of sin will be met with a grin. I'll be re-paid for them in my next life ( 


	3. Naive natured

SG-1 stood to face the gate, the trails of screams, jokes and point-and- laugh gags that had followed Jack up here were now becoming beyond a joke. Jack watched from the gate ramps foot, trying to unplug a serious wedgie when the gate dialled out to good old px4 579. He could hear echoing voices of laughter but he chose to take it like a man- pretends it wasn't happening. The crystal shimmering pool of pale blue shot out towards them from the gates opening. It added a little colour to the drab room and lit it up completely. Jacks turned up little shoes made no sound on the ramp as SG-1 strode up in a line to the plunge pool. Jack was almost out of sight and criticism, when the General gave him one last light hearted Jib- OVER THE MICRO PHONE! "Now Colonel, don't forget those things ladder easily, now won't you" The room erupted on him and his leaped through the gate pretending none of it existed.  
  
On the other side, Jack was flung out with some force. He landed on a stone floor with quite a bit of thrust behind him. He groaned to himself. Why nose first?  
  
Carter cantered gracefully through, followed by Daniel and then the grand Jaffa. Yet again Carter felt like amusing herself at O'Neill's cost "Where you in that much of a hurry?" she called from above the heap on the floor. Jack scrapped himself up. He checked none of the bones had shot out of place on his face before bothering to answer. "No actually, major. It was the. err. the" he wavered his hands madly in the air "Never mind, sir"  
  
Carter paid Jack on last look before her eyes wandered to Daniels point of view, and what a view! The round cylindrical room was filled with hovering stone steps, each about half a meter higher than the other. She moseyed over to the walls for a closer inspection. Daniel had described the writing perfectly. What he forgot to mention in his prose was that it was unreadable to them.  
  
Daniel felt as though he'd died and gone to heaven, because only heaven could consist of such a magical place. The tall tower formation, riddled with all these texts- he pressed his hands smoothly over them- carvings. His body revolved to the steps. He knelt next to the first and rested his hand upon it. The step buckled a little but it seemed that it may just be able to carry his weight. He felt the excitement running through his veins and he leapt up upon the first stone. The stones glowed and lit up the whole room.  
  
Jack rolled his eyes, typical Daniel. He watched the archaeologist bound from step to step. Teal'c looked at one gingerly, kicked it, was grabbed by Daniel and soon two was climbing the case. Carter looked at her commanding officer "What are you waiting for?" she asked confused. Normally he'd scream after Daniel and insist on him arming himself and letting Jack go first in spite. Jack glared at her evilly "As funny as this may sound to you, major. I'm wait for a little privacy, I am still in my Halloween costume you know!" he growled. She glanced away, worried he'd take her head off. or strip right there and then. She leapt onto a stair and followed Teal'c. Daniel, in all his innocent excitement, was more than three quarters of the way up. Jack turned, the gate and the DHD was there. So was his bag of clothes that fell off his back as he was catapulted out of the gate. He casually picked it off of the floor, when he had a distinct bad feeling. The door atop of the stairs had just been flung open. None the less but his dear Dr. Jackson had done this. "Daniel?" he called. "Daniel. DANIEL!" His voice was near screaming point. He watched helplessly as Daniel skipped through the door. Teal'c didn't make an attempt to stop him, just raised the usual suspicious eyebrow. "Love of." He broke off; Daniel was waving madly to him. Jack sarcastically waved back at him. "Jack!" he shouted down. His voice seemed to travel so fast, when it hit his ears it hurt. "There is another room. But the architecture. Jack it's amazing. Nothing like I've. we've ever since" "That's nice, Daniel" mused the old Colonel fishing for his trousers in his bag. "No Jack, you don't know what this means." Jacks stomach turned, he was really starting to despise that line. Nothing good ever followed it. Just as sure as the sun rises in the east, something bad did follow.  
  
Daniel kept happily waving and spouting, what Jack considered, nonsense. Jack though was smiling. He did admire the archaeologist's energy. All of a sudden the mans face above him froze quickly and both of his hands shot up- palms wide open. Jacks eyes squinted. "Daniel?" Daniel shook his head and mouthed something. it looked like hide. "Daniel, what's going on up there?" the colonel yelled at he civilian not about to give in.  
  
He watched carefully, as did Carter and Teal'c from their positions. There was a tense silence between them all when Daniels eyes gave way and his body cascaded to the floor. "Daniel!" Sam cried in panic. Before she could blink once, several arrows shot out from behind Daniel. Each hitting a member of the team in the left shoulder.  
  
Before Jack lost consciousness his mind wondered, how did they get him from there? Life forms swiped over the steps, barely touching them and seized their captives. Even two got Sam and Teal'c before their limp bodies hit ground floor. Jack felt himself being dragged away.  
  
***** Thanks to Glinda for wanting more ( and extra special thanks to good old colonel Sho, my usual support management. 


End file.
